Profile: Finding The Right Fit

“I’m doing nothing wrong, I’m not harming anyone and I wish to be judged on the kind of person I am, not the clothes I wear.”

Starting a new life at the age of seventy six would be a daunting step for anyone, but particularly when you’ve just come out to your family and friends as a cross dresser. Dee can’t thank Moseley enough for the welcome he’s received since moving here just over a year ago. It’s not every community that would be as accepting.

Dee contacted Moseley B13 after reading our story about Daniela, the Romanian Big Issue seller. "The positive way it was presented was important in helping the community accept and value her," he explained, “I saw something of a parallel with my own position as an outsider in society.”

“Coming to a place like Mosley, I only expected to be tolerated, maybe even liked by a couple of people. I thought I’d be spending most of my time within the transgender community, but I haven’t needed to. People here haven’t just accepted me, they’ve embraced me and everyone has been so welcoming. I feel properly integrated into the community here. It’s been so much more than I ever expected or hoped for.”

The journey from David to Dee hasn’t been easy. Born to a working class family in Sheffield, David spent the largest part of his career in social work, living with his wife and three children in Banbury. But it was his growing interest in women’s clothing that was to take his life in an unexpected direction.

“Most transvestites start very young, but it didn’t start for me until I was in my forties. At first it was just small things - getting excited over the feel of a slip - and was initially easy to hide, but it gradually became more intense and it was such a powerful urge I just needed to do it more and more.”

Access to the internet helped him find the information and support he needed to come to terms with his need to cross dress. However, as it became a larger and larger part of his life, keeping it a secret became more difficult and David decided he should tell his wife of fifty years. Breaking the news to her was the hardest thing he has ever had to do. 

“She was kind and understood, but it was something she didn’t feel able to live with, nor did she want to see me dressed as a woman. We parted two years ago, but we still stay in touch.”

So that’s when David decided to move away and start his new life as Dee. 

“I just wanted to be able to come and go through my own front door with everyone knowing who I am, whenever I wanted and dressed however I liked.”

Birmingham seemed the obvious place to start again. Having lived in Harborne in the 1960s, and worked in Dudley for a couple of years, David was familiar with the city and felt at home here. Also, after taking early retirement, he had carried out research interviews across south Birmingham and thought that Moseley, with its reputation for quirky diversity, would be a good place to settle down. The warm welcome he received proved him right.

However, Dee has still had to deal with a number of misconceptions of what it means to be a cross dresser.

“Most cross dressers are heterosexual males. Some people assume I’m gay, but I’m not interested in guys, I still like women. Some people are also confused about the difference between transvestites and transsexuals. A transvestite is a person who wishes to wear the clothes of the opposite sex, whereas a transsexual feels they are in the wrong body and wish to change their sex. I am just a guy who likes to dress like a woman. I feel more comfortable like that and I personally don’t mind being open about it.”

What is impressive is Dee’s determination not to let other people’s reactions and assumptions stop him living the way he wants. He’s done the reading and he knows the discrimination that cross dressers can face, particularly in the work place.

“Many people who cross dress don’t want to court publicity, which I understand. But I see myself as a bit of an ambassador, putting myself out there in order to help society get used to the fact that transvestites are part of the community. In my life I have fought against racism and discrimination against people on grounds of sex and disability. We are all individuals and all wish for the same acceptance and rights. Most cross dressers are ordinary people with jobs, families, friends and interests, just like anyone else.”

And Dee’s advice for other people in his position?

“Everyone’s situation is unique. Not everyone will be as lucky as me. Only you can decide if or when to tell your friends and family, or how far you want to go. You might lose more than you gain and a lot of people have sad and difficult experiences, but you are also just as likely to be pleasantly surprised. Confidence in yourself is essential - if you are comfortable with who you are, then it helps other people to be comfortable with you too.”

For information, advice and support, contact Birmingham LGBT Centre

(Published in 'Moseley B13' September 2013)

Feedback received from Dee: 
"Just to let you know I have now read the article in the B13 and am very pleased with it. It has come out very well and reads well too. I have now spoken to several people who have seen it and they are impressed and all feel it is informative and interesting and well presented. They feel it is nicely balanced and sensitive and that is very important for the subject. So thank you for a great piece of work."